I guess we each have our own demons to one extent or another, but how do you go on pretending when you wake up in the mornings ashamed of the person you have become, and realizing that the reflection in the mirror is almost unrecognizable?
When the hope for your own blog is to inspire others, how on earth to do continue to write when you feel so uninspired, and well... just simply deflated and empty. A few weeks ago I was approached with an opportunity that I instantly became excited about, but as the saying goes "Everything in life happens for a reason" I was very much unaware how working on this project would affect my own life. Of course I knew instantly that this project would take a large portion of my time, and would have a large part of my heart. However, I did not know that in the process of reaching out to others, I myself would become inspired, and begin to heal in a way I never thought possible.
After a lot of tears, a lot of long talks, and a lot of other personal things. I have come to the conclusion that over the last two years, I have been surviving. I have walked through life with my fists in the air on survival mood. I have been sad, I have been angry, I have been hurt... and I have been heartbroken. My life has been hard, and extremely unfair. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand "Why?", and I have spent a lot of time giving a lot more of myself then I should have to people who honestly haven't deserved it... In the process, I have slowly destroyed myself, and turned myself into someone I no longer desire to be.
Decisions have been made, and I must say it is amazing the weight I felt instantly lift from my shoulders upon making these decisions. Of course walking the new path I have chosen will not be easy, and it surely will not be all sunshine and rainbows. There are going to be hard times, but I finally feel like I am ready to face the challenge. I must let go of the anger, I have to rid my life of toxic people, and I must learn to accept that walking away, does not make me a failure.
I have been angry and bitter for far too long. Does realizing this mean that my heart was instantly healed? Of course not, as I mentioned this is going to take some real effort on my part. But I want to be able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror without feeling ashamed. I want to make my children proud of their mother, I want to make my husband proud of his wife, and most importantly, I want to be proud of myself.
I have been through, and survived way too much in the last two years to continue on my current path any longer. So I have made some HUGE decisions, and took the very first step on my new path today. I am beginning to live a "REAL" life. There are many more steps to come, and I am sure I will loose a few people along the way (both in real life and in the blogverse) but I would like to say Thank you in advance to those who choose to stick with me, and a polite goodbye to those who won't.
Now, as far as my blog goes... As long as we are being honest... Well, the tone may change a little, and potentially even the name (not like my blog name is super original anyhow) but I am not going anywhere. As a matter of fact, I hope to use my blog more and more now that I have realized why this extremely horrible case of writers block has been looming over me.
So there you have it... There is my honesty for the night... Ever had one of those moments where you had to finally be honest with yourself, and make big (sometimes painful) decisions?