Monday, December 9, 2013

Trapped....

The last five days I have been trapped. Sadly not figuratively but really and truly trapped. Our city is buried under inches of ice and snow and of course for a little hick town such as Muskogee, snow and ice spells disaster. The kids have been out of school for three days, and the chances of them going back anytime soon is looking slimmer by the second.

I am beginning to feel the walls closing in on me, and boredom has driven me to the brink of insanity. I am not a person who is in any way, shape, or form cut out for winter. I need sun light. I need to be outdoors. Top off the cold weather with 6 inches of ice and snow and a monster is born.

Of course with all things in life there are some positives to being stuck indoors, and me being the one who constantly struggles to see the silver lining in all things. Well I have decided that the only possible way to potentially survive what I feel may be the long suffering death of my sanity is to do my best to focus on those positives as few and far between as they may be.

1) My house has never been cleaner. Every single square inch has been scrubbed to a level of operating room sterility.

2) I have had the pleasure of making about a bazillion salt dough ornaments, which I am pretty sure breaks some sort of record like "more salt dough than any single person has ever made in a lifetime"

3) I have personally witnessed the murder of two stuffies (dog toys) by an incredibly bored puppy.

4) I have spent 5 lovely days trapped indoors with two moody teenagers and one cranky toddler. Not sure what the silver lining is here

5) I have baked about a gazillion unhealthy snacks which included cookies, brownies and cupcakes. All because everyone knows that all calories consumed during an ice storm do not count.

6) I have counted our stairs at least a million times, and now know that we have exactly 28 stairs. This information could come in handy one day. Not sure when that day will be, but hey it could happen.

7) I have gotten to know my bed, and day time TV really well. I have also discovered a horror I had already somewhat suspected. Day time tv is full of nothing but mind numbing soap operas and even more mind numbing cartoons. pick your poison.

8) I now know that it is entirely possible for the clock to come to a complete and total stand still, and that 6o seconds can TRULY feel like a life time.

9) I have discovered that 5 minutes in the snow feels more like an hour, especially when it is below freezing out.

10) most importantly.... Well I have learned a grand appreciation for teachers, and school employees 5 solid days with two moody teenagers is enough for me I couldn't imagine spending 5 days a week with a classroom full.

So, have you ever been trapped indoors? What are some of the things you discovered as silver linings to the never ending boredom and slow painful death of your sanity?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

????

Been away for awhile, which after the last two years of constant hiatus is likely no real surprise to anyone. However, this "vacation" was a little different than the many I have taken before. This "vacation" was actually productive. Of course my house still looks like three tornoados ran through it - probably because that happens daily. I didn't move, get a new job, or anything super important or exciting. Truth is, I have merely been reflecting and recovering. More importantly I have been living life. About 3 weeks ago I had surgery number 8 and this sparked some real time of reflection inside of me.

For the last couple of years, I have pushed forward as if nothing were wrong when the truth is that the last two plus years of my life, have pretty much sucked all the life out of me. I was (am) wore down, wore out, and feeling incredibly beat. However, a person does not really want to write much about those type things on a public blog which is under public scrutiny. I started this blog with the hopes of it being a humorous escape from my real life. However, it quickly became incredibly hard, and at times even impossible for me to consistently write. Although I desperately wanted it to be, life is not always sunshine, daisies, and unicorn farts. Sometimes life is mud, bugs, and ... well just plain SHIT!

It is extremely hard for me to admit when I am having a hard time, especially considering I was raised to be a brick wall. A brick wall so strong that I was impenetrable... unbreakable... strong. Because of this, I felt as though my weakness and vulnerability was something that needed to be hidden, tucked away, and kept secret.

However, burying all my angst and pain did absolutely nothing for me, or for those around me. I slowly and unintentionally turned myself into something fake. Sure, people were able to catch brief glimpses into my life, but what was most important that they saw me as the strong person I felt I was supposed to be. It never occurred to me that while I was so busy burying my pain, that I was also burying myself. Yet the hole got deeper daily and I finally I realized that I was in such a deep hole that I simply couldn't dig anymore. Not only was I too weak to dig, I was so weak from digging that I did not have the strength nor the courage to climb out.

Each time I heard someone say "you are an inspiration" or "you're so strong"  I felt another piece of me fall deep down into the dark hole I had dug for myself. I become more scared of letting the people around me see my pain and brokenness. I wanted so badly to be that strong, amazing inspiration that other people saw in me that with time I forgot who I really was.

Truth is that the real me is a big mess of brokenness, uncertainty, and fear.  My life? Well it has been more like a huge pile of steaming shit which is touched by the occasional ray of sunshine and sprinkled with the smallest amount of pixie dust.  The truth is I am not sure where my life is going, or even who I am anymore. I am lost in a deep hole of buried sadness, and un- admitted bitterness. But the good news is that I do not have to stay here.  The even better news is that I have no intentions of staying put any longer.

As I gain strength I will slowly climb from this hole, and the real me will finally feel brave enough to poke it's shy head out from behind the wall I have built around myself. The good news is that there is still hope, and with hope almost all things are possible. Such begins my newest journey... Welcome to the world Kimbra... Full of all it's sunshine, pixie dust, and shit... Bound to be a bumpy ride, but there is no better time than the present, so let's get started.